It’s been a long long time since I’ve used this, because I thought that after a while, I wouldn’t need it anymore. But, boy was I wrong. The year itself went by fantastically and it ended with a nice tone, at least in my opinion, with the fact that move-out took 1h, 30 min. less than it did last year because I got my act together. But, what transpired socially since the move-out and now move-in to my apartment has just been nothing short of something unpredictable and emotionally taxing.
A couple of friends of mine had an issue with me that I am not at liberty to discuss this openly to potential strangers and other people out of the loop. It was something that occurred that I didn’t know about, nor was I consciously aware of that had I known would have changed immediately. However, these couple of friends assumed that I was going to be aware of the fact that it was happening and let the behavior continue until it got on their last nerve and effectively ended our friendship. I don’t ever claim to be clairvoyant or the most observant person; but I do ask that people be upfront and I will always ask if I do notice if I’m bothering them and try and work on it. And I would like to think that these friends both knew that, especially one who I’ve constantly asked if I was improving as a person, musician, and friend and always looked to better myself. But, alas, here we are.
So where to go from here? I honestly do not know. The fact that these people aren’t willing to listen to both sides and evaluate, myself included, is shameful. We were GREAT friends. We understood each other, and I thought I understood them. It’s impossible to believe, even now, that these events transpired and that good intention can get mired by valuing the interactions on social media sites. Maybe it’s the old-fashioned person in me, but if I could talk and explain myself in person and hear both sides clearly, I can admit even moreso that I was wrong and offer new perspectives and agreements. Even this entry, in my opinion, is cowardice personified; I would rather do all of this face to face or on the phone. But, this is how it is…and maybe how it will be. I am completely stunned. This all happened way too fast, and tempers and raw emotion has clouded the judgement of all involved. What’s worse is that people who are shared friends are getting worn out about this. None of this is good.
But this is cowardice right? So why keep writing? Well, this is all that I know in coping in a healthy manner. I can be introspective and broadcast the truths within my heart without censors, pretense, stigmas, and social risks and know that, for the most part, everything is out there for all to see and I hope to receive truths in return. I know that writing about this major meltdown is going to help in the long run, even if the parties involved get upset with how I am conducting myself, even now. More importantly it just feels good to get back to what I do best. I can do my best to change, but only if I am aware of what needs changing, and where better to start than a simple entry?